friendship and change | 23.04.18

Throughout my life, I am lucky enough to say that I have had many friends. I have pretty much always had a moderately sized friendship group, and I have always had a circle of close friends. It is only in the past few years, though, that I feel I'm truly learning what this means.
I'm 19, and my friends' ages range from around 18-21. These late-teen/early-twenties years are notorious for the amount of change that goes on in them, both as a person and in your surroundings. For example, three years ago I was 16, still in secondary school, living at home, with the same group of people I'd known since I was 4. Two years ago, I was 17, in sixth form, in a relationship and with very few social links outside of that. One year ago, I was 18, about to leave sixth form, and with a large group of friends who I'd only met in the few months prior. Now, I'm 19, in my first year at uni, with one group of friends from my hometown, another from here, and my girlfriend. In three years, my friendships have changed at least 4 times and at several other points in between, and this has not always been easy.
Everyone's lives are constantly shifting, and these movements don't always fit with one another's. For example, I have one friend who I've known for around five years. For the sake of whatever I won't give him a name, but anyone who knows me knows who he is too. He and I have frequently fought, bickered, gone months without speaking, but for whatever reason we have never fully stopped being friends. It is only recently that we had a discussion about how our personalities and lives should work with one another, and the simple conclusion is; they don't. We have branched off in separate directions from the same tree, and while this is a little difficult, taking the pressure off of our friendship is ultimately the only way to keep it.
I know that there will be other situations like this throughout my life, particularly in the coming years, and I think I'm finally understanding that a real friendship isn't always hanging out and texting all the time, constantly being updated on the other's life. It's calm, and it's safe, and it's there even if they're not. It doesn't have to be a battle to have the perfect friendship. It is what it is, and the best thing is to let it do what it needs to do.
I am thankful that I have people in my life who I really feel support me and care for me, while also giving me my space and challenging me. I have a lotta love for my pals, and that's not going away anytime soon.
Speak soon,
big love,
Menna xxx

home | 08.09.17

for 18 years
the floor of my home
has fitted my footprints
the buzz of the fridge a perfect third
above the buzz of my head
i have moulded into my house
part of the furniture
and it smells like a safe pair of hands
ready to catch me each evening
tomorrow, i will live somewhere else
i don't know if i will bend into its shape
i don't know if the stairs will creak
in particular places
i won;t know if there's a loose tile in the hallway
i am ready, and i am excited to find out
but i am also sad
to be leaving the place that has seen me
break, grow, mend, on repeat
taught me to walk, cook, clean, hurt, heal, smile
i will live many places in my life
but none will feel to me quite like this one does

freshers | 29.09.17

I've been living in Bristol at uni for nearly 3 weeks now, and it's about a million miles from the experience I was expecting.
I'm at UWE Bristol studying Politics and International Relations, which - first of all - is not where I expected to be at all 6 weeks ago. Having not quite made my first or insurance uni choices, I went through clearing with 3 Bs in my A Levels, and have found myself here. Luckily, though, it seems to have been a good decision.
My first week in Bristol was one of the hardest I have had in a while. Unfortunately for me, I was the only one of the 3 people living in my flat to arrive when I did, so while the rest of my building (and seemingly the rest of Bristol) were meeting their flatmates, spending their nights at flat parties or out at Lakota or Thekla, I was holed up by myself in an empty flat, living solely on pasta and pesto. Needless to say, I was quite unhappy for that first week.
Finally, the next weekend rolled around, and my lovely flatmates moved in! I immediately felt better, as at this point it was just nice to see someone when I walked into the kitchen to make a cup of tea. Or pasta and pesto. That hasn't changed yet. My second week was spent getting to know my flatmates, going to induction lectures and freshers' fairs, and finally experiencing a little of the Bristol nightlife. Now, I would describe my attitude to going out-out as fairly average. I'm not adverse to a good night out, however my anxious disposition can mean that sometimes I literally cannot think of anything worse. Throughout official freshers week, I managed an impressive total of 2 nights out, and 1 trip to the pub. This feels perfectly adequate to me. My favourite night of the week has to have been Saturday night at Propaganda at the Fleece. While I can appreciate that the grime-y thing is a massive thing in Bristol, I've got to admit that it's not really my thing - indie bangers and cheesy pop classics however? Yes please.
My third week, which I'm currently coming to the end of, has mainly consisted of meeting and getting to know the people on my course, and getting to grips with the already overwhelming amount of READING that is involved. I know I shouldn't be surprised - but there is so much I have to READ! That being said, the course modules look insanely interesting and I can't wait to get stuck into them.
In terms of missing home, it was definitely at its most intense during my first week. Being sat in an empty flat in a city that didn't feel like home with no one I knew anywhere near was incredibly difficult. Luckily, though, I was able to see my girlfriend a few times throughout the week. Since meeting my flatmates, starting my course, and getting into routine, though, I've definitely settled in more. I'm still looking forward to heading back to the 'diff in a few weeks though - back over the bridge onto the Welsh soil.
Overall, my first three weeks as a uni student in Bristol have been fairly positive, but not without their difficulties. I'm looking forward to getting properly settled, and seeing where the next 3 years take me!

change | 27.05.17

I hate change. I absolutely despise the thought of things not being how I've got used to them being. I get so comfortable and safe in that bubble of whatever it is that I can't handle it when it gets taken away. I hate change, and yet right now all I can see is miles and piles of change that stretches out beyond me and I am scared. I have finished college, a place that I have been for two years. I have never changed, grown up, and experienced so much as I did in the two years that I was there, and I don't feel ready to move on to something else as the person that I am now. I've still got exams left, and then I don't know. I don't know what's happening with the rest of my life. I don't know where I'm going to be in September, and I'm going to have to meet new people and make new friends even though I've just got comfortable in the circle that I'm in. We all went to the pub yesterday, and it was the happiest I have felt in a very long time. But today I have woken up and I'm afraid and upset. I don't know what the rest of my life is going to be, and I am scared.

18 things I learned by 18

In my short life I have learnt a few things. Here are some of them:

1. cutting people out of your life to make you happier does not make you a bad person
2. if your shoes get wet in the rain, stuffing them with newspaper will make them dry quicker
3. things happen and people make mistakes but that doesn't always mean they are bad people
4. life is easier when you're on good terms with people - always try to make amends
5. brushing your teeth will always make you feel better
6. getting smashed the day before a job interview will not be "fine". IT WON'T
7. surround yourself with people who make you happy but also people that make you question things and challenge you when you need challenging
8. there are few greater joys in life than going to bed while it's still light outside
9. nothing is as important as your mental and physical health, no matter how it seems sometimes
10. be kind to people! there is no reason to not be open-minded and welcoming of all people wherever you go
11. it's okay to change how you act a bit around different people - different people bring out different parts of you
12. everything is much funnier when you narrate the thought process of that seagull over there
13. get a haircut. it's fun and refreshing
14. spend time with your family, no matter how much you don't want to sometimes
15. no one is inherently better than you, and similarly you are not inherently better than anyone else. get to know people
16. exams are shit and do not indicate what you're like as an actual human being
17. put your pyjamas on the radiator while you're in the bath
18. always put time aside for yourself, there's only so much you can do if you haven't taken care of yourself first

yes i'm gay, no you can't watch

Yes
I am gay
No
That does not mean you can ask me
The hows or whys or whats
That does not mean you can use me
To fulfill yourself because another woman
does not want to feel your clawing hands
and your sweaty touch
Yes
I am gay
But that doesn't mean that you can tell me
"I hate gay men but I love lesbians"
It doesn't mean you can pretend to be interested
When all you want is images, material, fantasies
Yes
I'm gay
But that doesn't give you the right
To use me as your alibi
To use me as your proof
"I'm not homophobic, I love lesbians"
Yes
You love lesbians when you're watching their perfectly groomed bodies
Perfectly pitched nosies coming out of their mouths
You love lesbians when they're actors
Pandering to your fantasies and ideas
You do not love gay women when they are walking down the street
Fat women, black women, trans women, old women
Holding hands
Kissing in front of you
You do not love gay women unless they are all
for
you
Yes
I am gay
No
I am not gay for your benefit
Yes
I am gay
No
You can't watch

Standardised Testing? hmm no thanks

Hello! It has been some time since I last posted on here, for some reason I couldn't log in :(((

Tomorrow is my first AS level exam, and I have some MAJOR ISSUES with the concept of standardised testing.
Firstly, and most obviously, it seems absolutely absurd to me that exams done from the age of around 15 should more or less determine our path in life, at least for the few years following. It does not make even the slightest bit of sense to me that what I wrote on one exam paper on one day aged 14 is still having an effect, albeit a small one, on the path of my education.
If the sheer stupidity of basing life-paths on a couple of exam papers isn't reason enough for me to hate standardised testing, why don't we talk about the fact that e v e r y b o d y  i s  d i f f e r e n t. To ask every single child to take the same test to measure intelligence, is like asking a fish and a monkey to climb a tree. Not everybody has the same skill set and therefore asking everyone to take the same test is bizarre and pointless.
There are children and teenagers who are fantastically kind, or who have a great sense of humour, or who help their Mum look after their Gran, or who have an incredible aptitude for dance, or who love to bake, but none of this can ever be shown through exams and tests. One GCSE Maths exam will show you two things: who is good at Maths, and who isn't.
Finally, any situational factors in the child's life are, unless specifically addressed, completely ignored. For example, I took every one of my GCSE exams, and will be taking my A Level exams, with a mental health disorder. I also happen to know that this had a hugely detrimental effect on the outcome of my exams. However, this was, in the eyes of the exam board, ignored, and my exam results were put next to those of some pupils who maybe have not had the same issues. It is not fair to treat every student as if they all live identical lives to one another (hint: they don't).
If we flip this on its head, it's fairly apparent (to me, anyway) that standardised testing and mental health issues are not mutually exclusive. The constant focus on exam results and coursework and qualifications throughout school cannot be having a healthy effect on most children, and while I clearly don't want to make any sweeping generalisations, it seems to me that the current schooling system (in the UK) is hugely debilitating to the mental health of school pupils.
The whole concept of standardised testing just seems to be so unproductive, pointless, and demeaning to school children's self-confidence.
That being said, I hope my exam goes well tomorrow.

Menna x